Fruity Ramblings

so why is it making me cry so much?

things were a lot simpler when i was nobody, where i had no name. maybe i should’ve stayed out east for school.

that i just want to get out but there’s too many and they’re all jumbled together and i’m too tired to put them into cohesive sentences and make sense of all my thoughts and despite being physically exhausted my mind is wide awake and this is why after tournaments i’m so scared to go to sleep because it’s when my body is dead tired and my mind is wide awake and i try sleeping i get crazy ass night terrors and going to sleep is really truly frightening for me..

but if i wait until tomorrow all the things i’ll want to get out of my mind will have been forgotten.

damnit.

i don’t want to play on this team. i really, really, don’t.

i did not have a good experience last summer. my experience was very negative. i didn’t have fun, i did not enjoy it at all. i do not think i developed as a player one bit.

i am broke. i have no money. i spend too much money on ultimate. all my money goes towards frisbee, frisbee clothes, frisbee tournaments, jerseys, team fees, etc. i cannot afford to go to anymore tournaments. i cannot afford to buy new jerseys, again.

i bought those stupid jerseys last year and i never even wore them. holy. $100 down the drain just like that.

but i want to get better and everyone says this team is my best bet. but after playing on an amazing college team, the caliber decreases significantly. after experiencing what a good, disciplined team runs like, this team pales in comparison.

but i guess beggars can’t be choosers. but the very thought of thinking about a summer of playing on this team makes me want to cry.

why do i always feel like i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place?

i want to get good, better, best. i want to make team canada, i want to come home one day with a gold medal around my neck, be it from worlds or college nationals. if playing on this team this summer is my best bet of doing so, i will tough it through. i really, really, will.

but just thinking about it makes me want to cry. i dread playing on this team. it’s going to be miserable, it’s going to be the most emotionally grueling thing i have done, forcing myself to play on this team.

but i have to. i have to. i have no other choice.